Extending whoopee

So we went out for dinner and drinks. I had the worst Mexican food I’ve ever had. This post will not be about that.

This post is about what happened after dinner, after the half-pitcher of margaritas, and after a few drinks at the next place.

Perhaps it was too loud… Perhaps there was too much alcohol... Or perhaps we’re just hard of hearing…

The old man who was clearly drunk decided to stop and say to us as he walked by:

“I don’t know either of you, but he’s extending you whoopee.”

Now, I don’t know how one extends whoopee exactly, and in all honesty I really don’t even know what that means. I’m still pretty confused about it actually.

What I do know is that it’s very odd for a stranger, and old man stranger especially, to approach a couple and say something about extending whoopee in one direction or another. I mean, is “extending whoopee” a common phrase that I’ve somehow missed my entire life?

Can you take back this whoopee once it’s extended?

Can you adjust how far you extend your whoopee?

Is whoopee something you can eat?

Or is it purely ornamental?

I didn’t see any of this so-called whoopee extending anywhere, so I’m definitely lost here.

So v. S – The battle within

Actually no, there should be no “battle within” around whether or not to use ‘So’ or ‘S’ when abbreviating ‘South’ in an address or any other case of short-handing “South”.

None-what-so-ever.

In fact, I can’t think of one time I thought to myself: “gee, I’m troubled because I don’t know which to use: So or S?“

Nor has there been even one instance of me thinking: “yes, I shall put ‘So’ instead of ‘S’ because that is the correct thing to do.”

Not. Once.

In fact, after an extensive search of the internet, I can’t find one good reason for ‘So’ other than it was used sometime in the past. I don’t know how long in the past, but it wasn’t yesterday. Or 5 years ago. Maybe not even 10.

I have two words for everyone who still uses ‘So’:

Time to move on, folks.           Time… to move on.

Face threading – wtf.

I received one of those deal emails recently, for “face threading”. And of course I was all, “wtf, mate?”

My first thought went to some strange Frankenstein action with stitching. Maybe even needles and thread. Or even face transplants. I don’t know.

And then it went to: why would people do something like that? What the hell are they stitching their face to? Is it legal to do such a thing? And why is there a deal for this?

I clearly had no idea what this “face threading” was about, so I looked it up. And what I have to say now is:

Whatthefuckisgoingonintheworld!

You females seriously do this? You have someone tangle up your hairs in a string, get it all nice and knotted… and then yank away???

OVER AND OVER AGAIN?!?!

Fjasdnioqwenio[vnasdjk;faf’spspspsfffth

From detox to off the grid in 3… 2… 1…

I recently decided to undergo detox (detox of the TV to be exact). Of course, this means only the type of TV where you plop down on the couch to aimlessly watch whatever’s on at the time and surf the channels when there’s nothing of interest.

This does not include, however, Netflix or DVR items. That’s just plain crazy…

At the time of writing, it has been exactly one night of detox. It wasn’t too hard, even though I was more or less bored. But probably no more bored had I been watching TV for hours on end.

There are things I’d like to accomplish, and these things take time, time that the TV is eating up, time that I seemingly don’t have. Hence the detox.

Hopefully detox will allow me to do these things. Hopefully I won’t go so far off the reservation that it becomes a slippery slope and next thing you know I’m trying to go off the grid, which, by the way, most definitely crossed my mind during Detox Night 1.

Or maybe that would be fun…

…But not so far off that there’s no internet access, because that also is just plain crazy.

Nor do I want to hunt daily for all my food needs. Or live in a tent fashioned of twigs and leaves for that matter.

While that does sound to be a fun and engaging week-long adventure, it surely isn’t a viable option as far as long-term living arrangements go.


...Clearly I need to think this through before detox is over.

WW’s Weekly Items of Note – V.1, I.8

Welcome to

WW’s Weekly Items of Note

Don’t forget to Share with a friend!

From the interwebs:

I removed my beard and cut my hair; the world kinda freaked out for a minute. (<-- Not really from the interwebs, but I thought you should  know.)

MySpace is dying, but you knew that.

OMG, muffin top!

phriday filosophy

The week’s blogging:

I had a thought that fish & chips might be to England and Ireland what Tex-Mex is to America and Mexico.

Why is everything so super?

I have trouble here.

Herps vs. Orns? Yup.

And

Don’t be left out!
 

 

---End weekly transmission---

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The Highlights (The Tunes)

Not too long ago, I posed The Highlights (not the painting hairs kind). In it, I highlighted several posts from the early days (because many of you haven't been around for the entire year, and you wouldn't want to be left out on the early stuff, would you?).

This post is the follow-up to that post, and highlights some of the writings around bands, concerts, and music I've encountered over the past year.

For some of you, this will be like a stroll down memory lane. For others, you may find new love... or something like that... or nothing like that at all.

In fact, it's quite likely you've already given up and moved on to something else by now. But I'm going to continue anyway. I'm a survivor like that.

So, here it is - enjoy!


-- In 30STM and The Moment, I wrote about how music can be liberating, how it soothes the soul, and how it can create what I call 'The Moment' - a time when you realize that man is good, and that all is alright. Read more about it here.

-- I wrote a follow-up piece a few days later, which actually was written on my phone shortly after the show, and talks about how the music that night inspired a new generation of musicians. It's kind of inspiring (at least I think so). Read on.

-- Here's a piece detailing how I (possibly) saved someone's life at a concert.

-- I wrote how Shinedown and vanilla (the flavor) are an unfortunate combination in this one.

-- I wrote about an unlikely experience with FaceMan here, and then another time about FaceMan's First Waltz here.

-- Somehow hula hoops and Jesus ponies made their way into a post about a music festival here.

-- And here's one about Peter Steele from Type O Negative and Ozzy Osbourne (and how Ozzy's continued existence may be due to some type of artificial life... because somehow he's still alive).

Herpetology v. Ornithology: The Calling

I recently read a cartoon where on one side was an ornithologist talking how reptiles should be included in ornithology instead of being included within herpetology, because reptiles are more closely related to birds and mammals than they are to amphibians.

On the other side of the cartoon was a herpetologist saying how ornithologist are assholes.

It’s clear that ornithologists just want some cool eat-your-arm-off reptile action, what with their lack of excitement within the bird zone these days (seeing how pterodactyls are fully extinct now), and after seeing how cool Komodo dragons can be.

I guess it comes down to this: Reptiles are cool. Birds? Not so much. Unless it’s an eagle. Or vulture. Or other hawk-like creature.

Is it possible that ornithologists feel somewhat left out from attention and just want to be cool?

Perhaps they see their specialty as dwindling since children find reptiles (clearly) more appealing than birds, and end up becoming reptile experts, and in order to revive their specialty they want reptiles included within their area of studies.

I think that’s plausible.


On a side note, when and why did they add a ‘p’ to terodactyl? Change it back, please. No one likes a silent ‘p’, especially when talking about dinosaurs.

Scheduling the goods (or lack of goods)

I have trouble here. I mean, it’s difficult for me to write something and not post it, but rather schedule it for a later date, which is likely to be the next day.

I’m one of those impatient people who want to hit “publish” as soon as I’m done writing. I’m not one to wait.

However, there are plenty of days when I don’t have anything to write. This poses a problem.

I see the benefit in posting once a day and saving any additional content for the following day(s), but again, I’m the impatient type.

I need to wrangle that in. (Did I just use the word wrangle? Wtf? That’s not even the right word. Let’s go with… suppress. Yes, I need to suppress that. Much better.)

*Ahem*

Where was I? Ah yes: scheduling.

So, as I write this I realize that I’ve already posted today and this talk we’re having will serve as a future post. (How does it feel to be reading what I’m saying in the past? Probably much like a history book or something, but only less boring, huh. Or maybe just as boring… but you’re still reading, so… just sayin’.)

In fact, I already have another post scheduled which I wrote today. Look at that! I’m on a roll here!

Alright. That’s probably enough of your time wasted on me for one day.

Goodbye from the past.

(Let me know how the future turns out.) (Thanks.)

Super what? (Aka: why is everything so super?)

In honor of the recent super moon, I would like to list a few things that are ‘super’ by today’s standards, which, apparently, are a lot of things – few of which are warranted to be ‘super’. Enjoy.

Super moon – Did you happen to see it? Did you notice how much closer it was? Me neither…

Suberbad – I’m still not sure why this is the title of the movie.

Superman – The only alien accepted in today’s society, other than those from The Event.

Super-size – I wish this option would go away.

Super-duper – Yessssssssssss!

Supercharger – Nothing to say here. Move along.

Super Bowl – Too bad the rest of the world doesn’t have football teams American style.

Super Shuttle – Nothing to say here. Move along.

Super 8 – Sometimes this is a good idea. Sometimes it is not.

Supercuts – Sometimes this is a good idea. Sometimes it is not.

Super foods – Gimmick? Perhaps.

Super glue – Tasty. But I don’t remember how tasty, exactly.

Superhero – Is there an supernonhero classification for a super-human-thing-character?

Superintendent – Super guy/gal in charge of stuff.

Super Mario – What happened to you…

Super Nintendo – Too bad you didn’t make it.

Supernova – Awesomeness. (Apparently Word agrees that ‘awesomeness’ a real word. Good.)

Super volcano – Shitguys! We’re all in trouble if this thing goes off.


In conclusion: please, if you’re going to name something, name it something other than ‘super’ – we have enough of those. Thanks.

Is ‘fish & chips’ the ‘Tex-Mex’ of the British Isles?

At some point during dinner on St. Patrick’s Day, I had a thought that fish & chips might be to England and Ireland what Tex-Mex is to America and Mexico.

After a quick search of the internet, my suspicion was validated: fish & chips can be associated with both the UK and Ireland (along with anyplace else the Brits were in the 19th century).

For some reason, up until recently I thought it was purely a British thing. After paying attention to several Irish pub menus, however, I began to think otherwise, and my confidence in its origins began to diminish.

What I had absolutely no inkling of prior to my search of the internet was that ‘fish & chips’ is slightly Jewish as well:

As it turns out (aka: so says The Great Internet), the first fish & chips shop was opened by a Jewish guy way back in the day (1860 in London to be exact, per Wikipedia…).

So, unlike poor Saint Patrick (who was captured by the Irish from his homeland of Britain, enslaved, escaped, and returned to Ireland as a bishop later in life), ‘fish & chips’ had more favorable travels from Britain to Ireland and the rest of the area, and even made it to America.


And what can we learn from this (other than learning this information in and of itself)?

A) It’s easier to enslave food than people?

B) You can’t enslave food at all?

3) It’s more acceptable and moral to enslave a food than it is a person?

9) It ain’t easy being a saint?

x) Don’t let ‘the man’ put you down?

Or

Z) It’s easier for food to emigrate/immigrate than it is for people?

WW’s Weekly Items of Note – V.1, I.7

Welcome to

WW’s Weekly Items of Note

Don’t forget to Share with a friend!

From the interwebs:

St. Patrick's Day happened

Inspiring current events

Giant feral cats are eating people and small animals

phriday filosophy

The week’s blogging:

I'm definitely not alone

Seeking NWM(P), and strange sheep

What can you learn after 3 hours at the mall?

Highlights - not painting hairs

Oh, good time, I had you. Again.

Two Pound! (And a bit about water)

American sake, not Japanese sake.

Oh, Saint Patrick - patron saint of amateur night.

And

Something about corned beef.
 

 

---End weekly transmission---

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An Ode to Corned Beef

Oh, corned beef, where ever did you get your name?

I understand the beef.
I do not understand the corned.

You rarely ever have corn in your makeup.
Yet, you’re called corned.

Where, oh where, does your name come from?


(I realize that ‘corned’ means ‘cured’. Let me have my fun.)

Oh, Saint Patrick, patron saint of… wait, what?

Oh, Saint Patrick, patron saint of something, purveyor of amateur night, and little-g-god of alcohol lust. You are, and will always be, special to many in this world, and held close to our heart for most of our lives.

We thank you, from the bottom of our hearts, for your willingness to die for our alcohol consumption and our bastardization of the color green.

May you rest in peace. Amen.

Wait, what? That’s not what Pat was about?

Oh… well then… Congrats for being Irish? Or British? Or a Brit capture by the Green team, enslaved, escaped, then returned as a bishop to the Green team’s land by own free will?

Interesting…

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Posting for the sake (not sake) (what?)

I’ll warn you upfront: this has nothing to do with sake (Japanese), but everything to do with sake (English).

Actually, this has nothing to do with anything. It’s a waste of time, yours and mine.

In fact, that’s how I felt for the last 30 minutes of the workday today.

You see, I typed up a document, saved it, plus it auto-saves. Word froze, I forced-close the app, and the recovered the last auto-save. Unfortunately, after an attempt to re-save the auto-save as my last-save, and then checking-in the document to SharePoint, it wouldn’t re-save as my last-save, I checked-in the document to SharePoint, and I lost the entirety of my labor.

After a time consuming check of the network snapshots of my lappy, and a few searches of the hard drive for said auto-saves, no luck could be found.

Although, my horoscope today did say that “a sizable sum of money could come your way today… probably as a surprise” and told me not to “gamble or consider any kind of frivolous investment for at least two months.”

Here’s to hoping Powerball is up my alley this evening so I don’t have to re-create that document in the morning.

Two Pound! (and watched water)

For those of you who know the joke, you’re welcome for me reminding you about it. I hope you chuckled.

If you’re not familiar with the joke, don’t bother googling it because a written account won’t do it justice; if you happen to find a video of someone telling the joke, perhaps that will work, but I don’t know.

Moving on.

I ate almost 2 pounds of wings the other day. Had I not had the fried mushrooms I would have been able to eat the full 2 pounds.

What? You’re vegetarian? Oh. Sorry then.

What? You’re a chicken? Oh. Sorry to you as well.

What? You want wings now? Oh. Good. Go have some (assuming you’re not a vegetarian. Or a chicken.).

What? There’s little substance to this post? Yes. You are correct.

Goodbye!

Just kidding.

Moving on again.

They say that watched water never boils.

I say they’re lying, because watched water DOES in fact boil. Always.

Assuming you have a sufficient heat source under said water that is also obviously in a container that won’t melt.

Because if you just sat there watching water without those things, of course it won’t boil.

Which would make them right. But they’re assuming you already have those things when you’re watching said water.

So they’re wrong. And liars. Still.

Dear, good time: I had you. Again.

This past weekend was full of activity, primarily due to The String Cheese Incident run on March 10th, 11th, and 12th.

I can’t possibly recap or review; there was just too much, and I could never do it justice. It’s one of those things you have to experience first-hand to appreciate, understand, or even begin to grasp.

But, it would be uncharacteristic of me to give up so easily. Instead, I offer you my (then) real-time updates from the @WrkspcWrtngs Twitter account (follow now if you haven’t already). And no, there’s no “I’m going to get a beer right at this moment” or “I’m currently eating a hot dog” or “I’m standing in line and am cold” or anything insignificant like that. I do my best to shy away from such annoyances.

So, without further ado, behold:

Thursday, March 10th, 2011:
-So far this evening I have seen buzz lightyear and a giant penguin. I suppose that’s a win. Right?
-And also a man wearing a black onesy(sp?) with a bunch of eyes all over it. That move.

Friday, March 11th, 2011
-Already: 2 cow costumes and a Who.
-And one of those giant furry fetish cat costumes.
-This can mean only one thing: I’m buying a costume before tomorrow’s show.
-And one of those Chinese dragons, but small enough to wrap around a neck.
-Men with lighted hula hoops shouldn’t happen. Imho.
-And now a juggler rolling through the crowd on a glowing ball.
-Wait. What is that! A man in a penis costume, complete with testicles? Yup. Sure is.
-And of course more people on stilts.
-And a guy next to me was just tackled by security.
-I may or may not die by hula hoop.
-I turn around, find a circle of ppl, 1 guy in the middle, puking all over. Lovely.

Saturday, March 12th, 2011:
-Sold out show tonight. How will I ever have room for my interpretive dancing?!
-Maybe don’t bring a wallet the size of Africa. Just sayin.
-I found the Burger King. Let the night begin.
-That cat I mentioned last night? Standing next to me.
-Not sure, but I think that was an interpretive dancing mosh pit.
-No joke: some dude just put ketchup on his soft pretzel.
-Well this is a logistical nightmare: apparently they’re trying to get a parade together to go around the venue.
-But I just had a grilled cheese, so it’ll be ok.
-{picture taken and shared}
-{picture taken and shared}
-{picture taken and shared}
-You have to be here.
-{picture taken and shared}
-Giant beach balls {picture taken and shared}
-And just like that it’s over.


Oh, and for those counting at home: no water bottle cap issues this time around.

And for your continued interest in my String Cheese experience, read about my first go-round with the band last year: Dear, good time: I had you.

The Highlights (not the painting hairs kind)

We’re getting near the 1-year mark on this blog. A lot of you haven’t been around that long, so I thought it a good idea to highlight a few of the older posts to introduce you to the early days (and because I don’t have anything new to write about at the moment). So, here you go. Enjoy!


The first “real” post was somehow based solely on motion-sensing faucets and other motion-sensing items. Turns out they’re something like magic. Find that post here.

Over time I’ve had quite a few posts on cats: how it’s natural to be wary of a cat – cats are unique in a strange way, not a normal way – and – cats that will kill you are three of said posts. Please, explore. Cat lovers are welcome. Cat dislikers will probably understand better, though.

I’ve also written about zombies here, eating “zombie” here, and about zombie mosquitoes here. You may be surprised…

I have even wrote about cold elbows. Why cold elbows? Because they’re gross. Find out more here.


I think that will suffice for now. Please, feel free to take a look around and explore with the topic tags. There’s quite a few to choose from! Dare I say something for everyone?

Enjoy!

What I learned at the mall for 3 hours on a Tuesday night

I spent 3 hours in the mall tonight. I also wrote a step-by-step account of the night. After re-reading I realized it was boring, so now you have the following list - enjoy.


Here are 9 things I learned while spending 3 hours in the mall on a Tuesday night:

1) Not one store sells the pens I like. Nor do any of the stores sell pens that are worthwhile.

2) Also of note - Hallmark sells silver and gold pens of some kind for writing in cards, not for taking notes or writing in a journal... unless you're "unique" like that.

3) Contrary to the intercom lady who told customers to bring up their selections because the bookstore is closing (just before 8 p.m.), it was still open after I left the store and returned to walk through to leave the mall nearly 45 minutes later.

4) When in a bookstore, I do NOT like to sit across from other people who are reading.

5) When in a bookstore, I also do NOT like to sit next to, or behind, other people who are reading.

6) When in a bookstore, I feel like a dog circling the yard over and over as I try to find a suitable place to browse my reading selections with some sort of privacy.

7) There are no clocks in the mall. Anywhere. Not on any wall, anyplace. And when you ask someone for the time, they're likely to not hear you, forcing you into an awkward situation where you have to repeat yourself and risk sounding condescending as you speak louder and slower.

8) Watching strangers flailing around in front of an Xbox video camera game thing while in public is NOT fun whatsoever. Poor kid.

9) Cruising the mall as an adult is NOTHING like it was back in the school days.

Seeking: NWM(P), and A Strange Sheep-Thing

That stands for New Weatherman(person), not Nighttime Werewolf Messenger (Please), fyi.


This winter’s weather has been horrible in the Denver area: we’ve had virtually no snow. While other parts of the country have had literally feets (yes, feets) of snow, we have had almost none. And it’s quite depressing.

Does anyone know of a good weatherman(person) who needs a job? Ours are having trouble with predicting. As with most other areas of the country, the weather here isn’t an exact science. But when you predict 2-5” of snow and it turns out to really be 0”, and you predict 4-6” and it turns out to be 1”, over and over and over again? Yeah… There may be a slight problem.

I’m not saying our current weathermen(persons) aren’t smart or are doing a poor job, they just haven’t been accurate this season. And while we all know that it’s near impossible to predict the weather, you can at least come close to figuring it out.

Each storm is not something you’ve never seen before and cannot map it with a decent level of certainty.

And also? Maybe don’t predict the end of the world when you’re 4 or 5 days out. Maybe only predict a possibility of snow. You’re getting a lot of hopes up when you predict a potential snow day and don’t deliver by coming up way short – not just a little short – but a lot short.

And more also, what the eff is this thing.

_

It’s clear by now that I’m definitely not alone.

Standing at the back door as I let my dog outside, I noticed something different about the neighbor’s backyard. They don’t usually change things up so it was pretty obvious that something had changed, but I couldn’t immediately put my finger on it.

After a more careful look from across the way, I saw something leaning against the fence which stood higher than the fence itself. And after refocusing, it finally became clear:

My neighbor, on March 5th, after two-plus months of waiting, FINALLY removed a once-live Christmas tree from their house!

…At least mine is fake, 3-foot tall, and sits in a cubby above the fireplace.

…And is not a fire hazard.

_

WW’s Weekly Items of Note – V.1, I.6

Welcome to

WW’s Weekly Items of Note

Don’t forget to Share with a friend!

From the interwebs:

Charlie Sheen happened

Charlie Sheen's Hot Dog

Spiders are waging war on our vehicles

Apparently there’s a McLobster out there

All the more reason “LOL” should die

phriday filosophy

The week’s blogging:

Storing wrapping paper in your car

New office policy: shirts off

My impending trip to Ukraine (assuming they invite me)

And

In order to prevent an international incident, I have apologized to Russia
 

 

---End weekly transmission---

Don’t forget to Share with a friend!

_

My apologies to Russia – I never meant to ignore you

I would like to take this time to offer Russia the same open letter that I wrote to Ukraine yesterday, because apparently I’m kind of a big deal there as well: aside from the US, Russia is my largest fan. GO VODKA!


Dear, Russia –

I’m sorry. I never meant to ignore you. Can you ever forgive me?

I would also enjoy an all-expenses paid trip to your land for the purpose of (again) speaking English, and drinking your national drink – vodka (also a la Anthony Bourdain) – and traversing your vast land all while live-blogging the journey.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Sorry again.

Sincerely,
JRM

_

An Open Letter to Ukraine

(and also chess – but not “An Open Letter to Chess” also – that would be weird)

---

I have 14 active chess games on my Android chess app. Why 14? Because the first 13 are entirely too slow (minus Con Lee’s games, and sometimes JRG’s, too). Sure, the rules say you have 3 days to move, but really… come on. If you need to take 3 days to make one move you probably shouldn’t join the game in the first place.

On another note, I’m kind of a big deal in Ukraine, which is kind of exciting.

Maybe they’ll send for me and provide an all-expenses paid trip to their country for the purpose of speaking English and live-blogging my travels through their countryside a la Anthony Bourdain, which sounds like a good time to me.

In fact, so much so that I’ll do this:

Dear, Ukraine –

Please send for me and provide an all-expenses paid trip to visit your land so I can show off your wonderful country. Maybe we can also play some chess while I’m there, so long as it’s much faster than one-move-every-three-days.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
JRM

_

Shirts off in the dentist’s office

I went to the dentist this morning. Other than the usual poking and prodding, things went as expected. Well, not really…

Things went as expected until I found out the new office policy was ‘shirts off’. Sure enough, there was a sign on the wall that read “shirts off in the dentist’s office” and I could see patients putting on their shirts after time in the chair.

As I sat down, the tech said “shirt off, please.” I took a long look back at her to be sure she was serious. She insisted she was. So, awkwardly enough, off my shirt went.

Like you, I was pretty much confused from the start.

That’s because this story is fiction.

Happy Wednesday!

_

And you thought I was bad…

Today on the drive to work I was behind a car at a traffic light. That’s pretty typical, though. What was unusual was the fact that she (the driver) had at least 3 rolls of Christmas-flavor wrapping paper behind the rear seats under the back window of her car.

Now, you tell me which is more less-than-desirable: her and her chosen wrapping paper container and storage space, or me with my Christmas decorations still up and it’s now March 1st?

If you guessed ‘her and her chosen wrapping paper container and storage space’, you guessed correctly.

Have a good night.

_