My continued attempt to provide myself the opportunity to have a full-night’s sleep continues to be foiled by me.

Generally speaking, I get tired from time to time, especially during the lull of the day and when things aren’t too busy. Even more so when sitting in one place for a long period of time.

Last night I lied awake for almost two hours, patiently waiting to fall asleep. My mind, however, continued to play movies, show scenes, and hold discussions with little to no regard for my wellbeing. Had it had any concern for me at all, it would have shut up and let me sleep, for it knew I had to work the next morning.

Instead, it went on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on.

Nights other than last night, it’s usually the TV, and when it’s not the TV it’s my low-level OCD and an interest to research a topic or fifteen on the internet until I resolve my need for information. Though, many nights it’s the lying-in-bed-can’t-get-to-sleep situation.

When it’s the TV, Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm, as well as Law & Order, are usually to blame. Each one of those has a way of sucking me in and depriving me of sleep. Again, it’s likely to be the low-level OCD that won’t allow me to call it quits halfway into an episode; I must finish what I started. The same goes for the internet research – no stopping until I’m satisfied with info I’ve found.

So, Vitamin D and melatonin have become friends of mine. Though, they don’t always have the desired effect. Several times, I’ve pushed through the urge to sleep in the name of not calling it quits halfway through whatever it is that is holding my attention. Once that barrier is crossed, though I can fall asleep at any time, it’s an almost zombie state of attentiveness that keeps me glued where I am.

I keep saying it’s time to give in and go to bed at a respectable time. And although I give it a try some nights, it’s hard to find me sleeping at 930 or 10pm. I continue to remind myself that I can sleep when I’m dead. I also continue to remind myself of my love for sleep and my desire for more.

For some reason, however, these two thoughts never work it out for the sake of my wellbeing. Thus continuing the up late-crash-rest-up late-crash-rest rhythm of my life.

I wonder if one day this will change.

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